Breaking the Prison of Performance
The Moon of Purification explores two ancient Welsh stories: Rhiannon’s betrayal and penance, which I explored in my last post, and the story of Mabon and Modron—the Divine Son separated from the Divine Mother.
Mabon, the Child of Light, was taken from his mother Modron when he was only three days old.
Hidden and imprisoned, Mabon remained lost until King Arthur’s men consulted with the Oldest Animals, starting with the Blackbird to find him. In the tale, it takes the accumulated wisdom of Earth’s eldest creatures to locate the Divine Child and bring him home to Modron, the Divine or Great Mother.
This is a story about what happens after betrayal—after we’ve done the hard work of recognizing our patterns of separation.
This is about finding the way back.
When No Human Knows the Way
In the Mabon myth, no human knows where to find the lost child. King Arthur’s men must ask the ancient ones—beings who have witnessed longer cycles than our brief human lives can comprehend.
The Blackbird directs them to the Stag. The Stag to the Owl. The Owl to the Eagle. The Eagle to the Salmon.
Each one is older, each one carrying a grander memory, until finally the Salmon—oldest of all—knows where Mabon is imprisoned.
I love this story as it brings context to why in Druidry we honor the Salmon of Wisdom for the water element.
Over this past year of working with the Mythic Moons, I’ve been consulting with my own team of ancient ones—both in the forms of guides and those hidden parts of myself that remember what I’ve forgotten.
The parts that know I didn’t come here to work myself to dust.
The parts that remember rest is sacred, and my body’s “no” is wise.
Unfortunately in this lifetime, my father never learned to consult these older, wiser parts of himself. He stayed imprisoned in the belief that his worth was measured by how much he could work, how much he could promise, and how well he could perform the role of provider—even as it sapped his health and slowly, then suddenly killed him.
I inherited that prison of performance. But I also found the key within myself.
Patriarchal society has disconnected us from Creator energy and from Mother Earth herself—from our capacity to create and provide from our fully resourced Selves.
We must accept and liberate the parts of us that have been severed from Divine Mother, Divine Self, Divine Source in order to step back into our power and wholeness. We must learn to be wild and free again.
I am doing this each day, urged by my team of guardian angels, spiritual helpers, divine healers, and heavenly ancestors. I am held in a river of peace whenever I dare drop in long enough to listen.
What My Father's Death Taught Me About Living
My father died believing his greatest gift to me would be money. On one of our last phone calls, he told me, “At last you’ll be taken care of.”
He’d thrown his life away for 40 years to make sure there would be something in an account for my sister and me. He died, shy of 61 years old.
When the estate was finally settled—after all the bankruptcy, the mystery debts, the loans against retirement accounts, the mess of paperwork—I realized he believed it was worth killing himself slowly to ensure my sister and I had something when he left.
I just wanted his love, not his money. I wanted him to say he was proud of me, that he believed me and accepted me. I never got this. I never received an ounce of actual approval or appreciation before his passing—not really.
His death confirmed to me it’s not worth repeating this cycle.
I don’t have to repeat the pattern of chasing dollar signs and providing for people in a financial sense above all else.
Mind you—I did try.
I threw myself headfirst into careers and burnout so I could provide vacations and gifts to my partners the ways my parents showed was desirable, even if they never had it for themselves when I was a child.
Now I know I don’t have to sacrifice my body on the altar of productivity. I don't have to push through pain to prove I’m worthy. I don’t have to die slowly, working myself to the bone, hoping someone will finally see my value.
The Moon of Purification asked me to cleanse myself of this inheritance—with the belief system that came with it.
I am valuable and inherently worthy, and so are you, my friend.
The Purification Itself
As I reflect on all of this and finish these last days of cleaning Park House, I'm actively purifying myself of the cobwebs of old beliefs.
I release the belief that I must do everything alone.
My father never asked a soul to help in his life until he was dying and knew he wasn’t going to figure things out on his own. I’m learning to ask for help cleaning this house and to accept when my loved ones say, “You've done more than enough for today (this week, etc).” I’m also learning not to prioritize relationships that require me to do all of the heavy lifting.
I release the belief that my body’s limitations are personal failures.
I’m not weak. I’m strong for honoring the information my body is giving me. My fibromyalgia and hEDS are part of my actual lived experience that deserves accommodation, not punishment. I can continue to punish myself, or liberate myself. I can be kind, or I can co-create suffering. I chose to listen to my body and care for it so I can continue to do what is mine to do and be who I am here to be.
I release the belief that rest is earned through suffering.
My father worked so much he rarely saw me as a child. When he finally got disability and could rest, he was already dying. He had about a year of getting to be “free” before he was hospitalized for the final time.
I'm choosing to allow myself to rest now, while I’m still living. To play.
When I recognized my health was going downhill rapidly from overworking and holding so much of other people’s stuff, I knew I couldn’t keep going like that. Only about four years prior to my temporary retirement, I’d lost one of my best friends to cancer—the same type of cancer that took my father only two years after her. My friend was a mother of two children under ten, a gifted artist in so many ways, and a light in my world. In a matter of a year, she too, was a ghost.
I didn’t want that to be me if I could actually do something about it, so I stopped deliberately overworking myself until I was forced to rest. Though I make a measured choice now when to push myself, I also know the costs. And it’s not because I believe I need to suffer. I believe no one needs to suffer.
I release the belief that speaking my truth will cost me love.
The ultimate reason I was estranged from my father is that he told me he loved my sister more than me. He went on to try to defend his statement by saying I reminded him too much of my mother and it was simply too painful to be around me. So I spent years being quiet, trying to be the right kind of daughter, until I finally told him I didn’t want to talk anymore.
I’m done performing for approval in any relationship.
I release the belief that my “best” isn’t enough.
I did all in my power to manage my father’s estate.
Likewise, I can’t make Park House perfect overnight or ever. And that’s okay. It’ll get done when it gets done, and the right buyer will fall in love (and be excited for the continued renovations they get to CHOOSE—hopefully now that we’ve handled the house’s emergencies).
There’s so much to digest and integrate still, but I’m ready to reconcile my past in my present so I can continue moving forward towards an ever more aligned future.
What's Mine to Do?
After an unknown number more days of diligent effort—at a pace my body can actually sustain—I know the Park House will be ready to go on the market. I’m holding the vision that it goes quickly for the benefit of all.
But more than that, I’m learning to hold the vision that I can do challenging things without destroying myself in the process.
The Moon of Purification invites us to recognize what we’ve been holding that was never ours to carry. We have the opportunity to see our patterns clearly enough to choose differently as we move forward. It’s empowering.
For now, I’m cleaning house of the belief I need to do everything, now, without adequate rest and recovery. What’s mine to do is to work on the house each day I am able, and to honor the days I am unable.
So I ask you: What's yours to do right now? And what pace does your body—your real, lived in body—need you to honor as you do it?
All My Love,
Safrianna Lughna
This is part 5 of a 6-part series on the Moon of Purification. In the final post, I’ll talk about integration of the Divine Child.
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