When My Body Says No
On Internalized Ableism and Dreams Derailed — Blog 2 of 6 in my Moon of Purification Series
This is part 2 of a 6-part series on the Moon of Purification. [Read part 1 here.]
Because I live in an ableist society, I am constantly working to unpack unconscious shadow narratives and bring them into the light to be liberated.
But there are a lot.
I have always pushed myself hard—most of the time, excessively hard.
It started in my early childhood when I was pushed to demonstrate certain skills over and over to prove to caregivers I had “mastered” something.
It’s a pattern I’ve been doing my best to break, but I’m still recognizing the belief that I must push on, always, to be worthy—to do and be enough.
As I wind through these well-worn territories of my traumas and childhood tribulations, I’ve been leaning on a few of my vices to scrape by. Sugar? Yum. Weed? Takes the edge off. Overworking? Nothing I know better.
My joints are inflamed. I’ve been wearing dual-wrist braces and a knee brace, plus using my cane again all within the week.
I find myself wondering, what if this is as much as I’ll ever be able to do again?
I also wonder, what if I heal myself miraculously?
I’m playing in that realm as much as I can, while working to accept that only kindness towards myself, caring tenderly to my needs, and listening to my body can help me heal. Not grinding my joints to dust.
Either way, I’m feeling the effects of my efforts and my creature comforts as I do my best to move forward.
My Frustration
I have so much internalized ableism that I’m actively working on.
I want to be able to do the things that I feel like I should be able to do. I want to be able to push myself. And then my joints give out, and I realize that if I continue to push myself, it’s going to hurt me more.
Then I try to use my assistive devices, and it causes other problems—because I’m not using the devices for support, I’m using them to try and push past my limits.
So I’m frustrated.
Frustrated that we’re paying this mortgage month after month while feel like I can’t do my part cleaning as fast as I think I should. Frustrated with my body for not cooperating with the timeline capitalism has convinced me matters because extra bills to pay in this economy is an unnecessary stressor.
And I know Ike, who co-owns the Park House with me, is feeling so much of this, too. Yes—buying a home was a big responsibility to take on, and we took it on at a time in which we really needed a safe and stable home.
But since my health has admittedly declined and I’ve had to work less to care for my health, what we once could manage has become harder.
Justin reminds me: “It’ll get done when it gets done, and it’ll be okay.” I know this.
But I’m impatient with myself because I know what I’m currently capable of, and I wish it was more.
Facing the Dreams That Got Derailed
Going deeper, I witness the emotional pain.
There are so many possibilities for this house as I relinquish it—dreams I never got to fully explore because life is complicated like that.
This house was supposed to be a part of a grander dream, but it turned out as more of a stepping stone. And I know where I go next will offer the same, much as Meadow House does. I know in my soul I haven’t landed where I’ll stay yet. This is another pattern of mine—but it’s also one leading me somewhere else.
But with Park House, I had visions of routine craft parties, offering professional events, and actually visiting with people in our gorgeous space. We were on the tail end of COVID concerns, and we had ample space, but I was working with 40+ clients a week as a trauma therapist.
No wonder my body quickly gave out, and I had to take a year-long hiatus in my career.
Letting go of my formal career, moving out, and allowing Ikenna’s ex-partner to move in kicked off a chapter of understanding where I needed more support. It revealed patterns I didn’t want to see. It showed me that the life I had been trying to build wasn’t sustainable, no matter how hard I pushed my body, mind, or spirit to make it work.
And honestly? That’s probably all I will say about that particular shadow for now. Some things take a little more time to percolate before they get cleansed.
What Standards Am I Trying to Meet?
Physical purification is revealing what needs to be cleansed within.
The dust and grime aren’t just on the top of the windowsills and in the corners where the floors meet the wall.
They’re in the beliefs about what I “should” be able to do, about productivity over presence, and about pushing through instead of pacing with wisdom.
The Moon of Purification asked me: What am I holding onto?
What standards am I trying to meet that were never mine to begin with?
As it turns out, some of these standards weren’t just absorbed from society. Some of them were inherited directly—along with the money that bought this house.
And that’s where the story gets deeper.
Next in this series: The inheritance that came with more than just dollars.
Until then—what standards are YOU trying to meet that aren’t even yours?
All My Love,
A Contemplative Safrianna Lughna
This is part 2 of a 6-part series on the Moon of Purification. Stay tuned as I continue to unpack what I’m purifying in my life.
When Your Body Says No, It’s Time to Listen
Struggling with internalized ableism, overwork, and the belief that your worth is tied to productivity? I’ve been there—and like all of us, I’ll be actively working through it for much of my life!
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